It’s not meant to be easy
Everyone wants success, but how many people really understand what it takes to get there? I want to normalize how learning and growth feel, because in order to achieve authentic success you must be willing to face the discomfort, frustration and negative thought patterns that often emerge when you are reaching for more. Rarely do I hear people discuss what that process actually looks and feels like. Social media will tell you a morning yoga sesh or drinking coffee outdoors is the holy grail of self-care and living a zen life. As a life coach, mother, wife and person who is still doing “the work,” I can assure you it’s not that easy. However, with consistency and practice, an undeniable beauty emerges from the wreckage of life’s challenges. This comes when we are brave enough to lean-in when we so badly want to run away!
Recently, I was sitting on the couch with my son working on his math-fact flashcards. He was frustrated and resistant to learning as he scrunched up his face, closed his eyes, rolled around on the couch and hid is head under the pillows. “I can’t do this.” “This is too hard.” “I’m not good at math,” he cried. I was suddenly transported back in time to my childhood. Damn, parenting can be so triggering! I sat there quietly watching him flail around on the couch, but on the inside I was reminded of myself as a child not feeling smart or good enough when things didn’t come easy for me. As a child, I used this discomfort I felt during the learning process as evidence that something must be wrong with me. I wanted to quit then and he wanted to quit now. These negative thoughts are known in the life coaching world as “limiting beliefs” and I carried them with me well into adulthood. When I began doing my own inner work I unpacked these deep-seated, negative thoughts and replaced them with more empowering beliefs. For example, “I am not smart enough” became “I am a smart and capable person.” These new empowering beliefs were in better alignment with the person I wanted to be and my own core values. They helped me to be more successful, joyful and confident.
The difference between then and now is that I am the parent this time around. It’s my responsibility to be a leader in my family and I’m committed to not letting my kids grow up feeling like something is wrong with them. The reality is that learning can be hard and uncomfortable at times. On the contrary, learning should be celebrated as you’re expanding your knowledge base beyond where it currently is - that’s amazing! I see my life coaching clients go through this process all the time, as they lean-in and grow themselves through my coaching program. The ones who have a willingness to push through the discomfort are the ones who get the greatest outcomes. So as I sat on the couch with my son, I asked myself, “What do I wish I knew back then that I know now?” This is a life lesson in action and here are the 4 things I want my son and anyone facing the discomfort of growth to know and understand.
Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or that something is wrong with you. Doing something new or improving your skills in an area is hard work. Give yourself a break from judgement and remember this is a normal part of growing and being human.
Learning something new is usually hard and we suck at it first. This feeling is normal and we have to be willing to make mistakes, be wrong and not be good at something in order to improve. Without this willingness to suck, we can never get better.
Being new at something is uncomfortable and can feel like anxiety. It’s this same anxiety that makes it harder for your brain to actually learn and retain information, because you’re in fight or flight mode. As you acknowledge the feelings that are coming up, validate them and empathize with the situation. This has a calming effect, which in turn makes learning more effective. More importantly, this builds happier humans with greater confidence.
Work through discomfort and celebrate progress. With effort comes improvement and little-by-little you will turn the corner of discomfort and find results. Take a moment to reflect on the progress you have made and remember what it felt like when you were just starting. Celebrate this success! This teaches your brain to make a connection between the effort you put in and the result you’re getting out. You are actively creating neural pathways for your brain and how it relates to the learning process. Get it, science nerd!
The big picture is this - life is chalked full of opportunities to learn and grow as a person if we simply allow the teachings to come through. It’s vital we seize these opportunities life presents us with and share what we learn with people we care about. Doing the work within yourself is the first step, because it’s only then that you can fully step into being the leader you want to be within your family, workplace and community. This kind of grit and determination is what our world needs more of. When you choose courage over comfort and commit to your own growth journey you open yourself up to true learning and heartfelt success.
